BOOK REVIEW: Beauty's Release (1985)

So here we are… book three. The whole time I kept on wondering why the hell did Anne Rice make this into three parts? Why prolong the agony of her readers? It’s just a repetition of weird and gross stuff. She could have just condensed it into one book! Seriously. Reading about impalement, anal sex, human ponies, orgies, spanking, phalluses with horsetails, rape ad nauseum is not fun! Beauty/tristan/laurent falling in love with every freaking masters they have and forgetting them the second they meet a new one… wow.

This book, for me, is the worst among the three. While it has its good parts, still after enduring book 1 and 2, my patience is limited.

The only person worth reading about is Laurent. At least that boy has guts.

Tristan (after being so damn interesting in book 2, has turned into this spineless, weepy, irrelevant character) was pushed aside into this dark pathetic corner where he continually mopes about some pathetic unimportant things. (SPOILERS) After hurting his supposed “love of his life” Master Nicholas because he refused to go back with him to the village, and then resent him because Nicholas didn't punish him, then he realizes he actually still loves Nicholas but forgot about it because he didn't get spanked hard enough! How gay are you??? Pathetic, whiny bitch.


And Beauty… wow Beauty. She’s like the mother of all Bellas and Anastasias. At least those girls stuck to one guy. This pathetic moron falls in love with ever guy or girl willing to whip her ass. She whines about missing her previous masters/mistresses but then gets it on with the first guy with a cock and a smack and then she’s like “Inanna who? Alexi who? Prince charming who?”. Slutty moron bitch.


Maybe I couldn’t blame them because they were forced into this sex slavery BDSM world at the age of what 15? 16? It’s not just physical torment, this is psychological abuse, emotional manipulation. THEY’RE JUST KIDS FOR GOD’S SAKE! Yes it’s still written better than most erotic novels. But if you strip down this sexual fantasy world? All you get is this: 

• Teenagers gathered to be humiliated and used as sex slaves, forced and taught to be submissives and that their masters own them. 
• All day they are naked and they don’t catch a cold. 
• They don’t bathe everyday and yet every chance they get they are humping around like wild sex-crazed rabbits. Sexy!! -_- 
• They don’t seem to feel any other physiologic needs like hunger, thirst, poop/pee time, and other important human feelings because they’re just so damn horny every single minute! 
• They don’t know what real love is (which is evidenced by their annoying fickle-mindedness) because they’re just kids messed up by this weird sexual psycho world! So yeah, totally not sexy -_- 

(SPOILERS BELOW)

I mean, first they’re treated as the lowliest of slaves, then they get to the village and treated as —well still slaves — but also public property, then they were kidnapped and brought to this Arab kingdom treated as animals who are incapable of human speech and intellect. And then they get sent back to the village and treated as PONIES. And they loved all of that! No wonder these characters are 69 shades of messed up!

What surprised me the most are not the ponies or phalluses up the ponies' asses all day, or the circumcised females. It’s the ending. King Laurent marries Princess Beauty, and I was like wha— wait just a second, what?? Just because both of them were trying to figure out what love is doesn’t mean they found love together. They didn’t even know each other until the last part of book 2. And they only slept together on the journey back to the village. Probably the most non-sexual intimacy they shared is Laurent helping Beauty get dressed. And that’s it they live happily ever after?? Well, I guess better than Tristan who’s probably more girly than Beauty.


I’m just glad I'm finished with this.

MY RATING: 1/5

I’ll probably give it a 0.5 specially because of that part where Laurent got punished with a mixture of flour and honey on his goods TO ATTRACT FLIES! And I’m pretty sure Laurent shared that feeling quite vividly — he felt flies crawling up his ass… yes he said that if I'm not mistaken. My god, and I thought I could handle kinky.

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BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades Trilogy (2012)

Author:  E.L. James
Genre:  erotica

It took me several weeks to finish this trilogy because I just couldn’t read it straight. I tried, but the urge to punch myself in the gut whenever I read about Ana’s inner goddess & Christian’s darkening gaze becomes too strong most of the time so I had to take long breaks.

I know I could have chosen to not finish these books, but I guess, all of us have that tendency to be a masochist for Grey. Ugh, not. I just try to finish every book I start. There’s only one exception to that rule, and that’s a book about a man looking for his sword and which involves a detailed instruction on how to become/simulate a tree.

Anyway, I downloaded the e-books knowing that they are probably filth (and not the good kind) but I never thought it would suck this badly. Like, seriously, it sucked so much that I wanted to cry at some point, wanting to give up on it. I hated the characters, because they represent almost every negative qualities you can find in a human being. They’re vapid, empty, selfish, and one-dimensional. The circumstances/events/”conflicts” are so affected and forced.

I am still figuring out what is there to like in this series, but all I can think of is what I don’t like:

• The writing, character development, storyline, conflicts, etc. — i would not dwell on that. Three words: BURN AFTER READING.
• Christian’s staccato. COULD. YOU. BE. ANY. MORE. ANNOYING?
• I swear, hearing Ana repeatedly utter Oh!, holy hell, holy crap, double crap, holy moses, holy cow, oh my! really almost broke my will to finish this series. I mean cmon! Every single time Christian seduces you/asks you to have rough stimulating sex with him, strips naked and his giant beef shawarma pops up, you say OH MY or HOLY COW???? You’re married to him for crying out loud! His fingers have been too at home inside your “hot pocket” and “behind/arse” and you still blush furiously when he “looks at you with his smoldering dark gaze?!”
• Oh and aside from the Ana-words listed above, how many times do you think you could use these phrases/words in almost every chapter and still think it’s okay? This is not cool E.L.!

carnal desire

just-fucked hair

foil packets

"He’s so freaking hot wearing those pajama bottoms/jeans hanging low from his hips"

"You.are.so.beautiful.Ana."

"Give it to me Ana." then, a minute later…. "Oh Ana!" (nice one Mr. One-Minute Man)

"Will I ever get used to this?" (Oh puh-lease Anastasia! Yes okay??!!! I think you’re gonna get used to being rich, your future sons being heirs, you living with people to serve and guard you! And yes, your husband is so freaking hot, we know already!)

"I’m gonna fuck you. Hard." (poor HARD. always alone, separated from the other words… no need to emphasize that as we all know by now that Christian Grey is a “hard fucker with all the bonus kinky fuckery.” Sexy.)

"Oh my fifty. my fifty, fifty, fifty." O_O (stop it with the Fifty endearment. I already hate Christian, and suddenly visualizing 50 Cent doesn’t help.)

"Look mami I got what ya need, you need to feel the buzz.
I'm into havin' sex, I ain't into makin' love..."

• "Are you rolling your eyes, Mrs. Grey?" (Yes Mr. Grey! Are you blind? Unless, Anastasia is suffering from seizures, then uhm yeah, she’s rolling her eyes at your utter lack of emotional maturity. Deal with it.)
• And my all-time favorite: "DON’T BITE YOUR LIP." (O_O seriously Christian? I know, Ana biting her lip is supposed to be SUPERDUPER MEGA sexy and makes her irresistible. But why do you continually try to dissuade her from doing that? It can’t be because you don’t wanna lose control and ravage her on the spot, coz that’s what you always do, you controlling pervy bastard. -_-)
• Anastasia’s idiotic musings.

Holy mother of god it's actually a real honest-to-goodness baby!!! Umm, duh, what did you expect - Gollum?

• Christian’s tendency to over-“tell” and not “show” which makes me feel like he’s a freaking sports commentator. And oh yeah, Anastasia’s stupid expressions.

• Anastasia’s inner goddess and subconscious. 

Ana and Christian could have sex anywhere in this world and in outer space, and still, the sex would be boring. Why? From Grey to Freed, E.L. used the same pattern over and over that by the time I got to Fifty Shades Darker & Freed I found myself skipping the sex parts because it’s just so damn irritating to read Mr. Foil Packet wham bham slam his chunky-chunky into Anastasia’s always-ready hot pocket for three minutes. This is basically how the scenes go (and this happens AT LEAST once every chapter):

Ana bites her lip/ Christian looks so hot and smoldering in his low-hanging pajama bottom or white shirt and linen pants.

Christian’s gaze darken/ Ana feels that familiar stirring deep in her belly… OH. That carnal desire!

Christian teases/nips/nibbles/grazes whatever/ Ana can’t wait for Christian to slam his sweet corn into her eager taco.

Ana feels his erection pushing against her hip/ Christian is amazed how “ready” Ana is for him

Christian grabs one of his unlimited supply of foil packets.

Christian eases into/slams into the amazon virgin forest and “choose desired pace”

wham bham slam smack hack whack crack wooohooooo hoooooo hooooo oh!

Christian urges Ana to “open her eyes” coz he “wants to see her” (wait, what??)... wham wham bham bham slam……. “come on Ana, give it to me….”

Ana finally decides to “give it to him” and feel that fireworks of feelings in her groin, and ooohhh that sweet final release!!!

Two seconds later, Christian gives in too and ALWAYS ALWAYS whispers/murmurs/mouths “OH, ANA”… O_O

Add in a pre/post-coital “YOU.ARE.SO.BEAUTIFUL.ANA.” aaaannnnd the routine is complete.

And E.L. seems to not wanna stop giving us treats, she decides to give some bonus materials! Woohoo! Who needs Midnight Sun (in your face SMeyer!) when we can have this!!?

Fifty and his love for balls!!

Aaaaand finally I’m done! I can’t wait for the movie!! LOL


MY RATINGS: 1/5 (this series has no literary merit or redeeming qualities, but it has made me laugh at some point, hence the "1")

You know a book REALLY sucks when the bookstore
selling it discourages you from buying it. lol. 

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