BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades of Grey

**just reposting from my Goodreads account. Didn't even remember writing a review for this one - that's a sign how much I tried to forget about this crap.

Well , well.. That was painful. And not in a good way. 

Author:  E.L. James
Country:  UK
Genre:  Erotic Romance, BDSM
# of pages:  514
Year Published:  2011

Holy cow, that was horrible writing! Thank God I'm done with this one!

My SUBCONSCIOUS is currently floating in a river - lifeless. Just wasn't able to take all the crap I force-fed her.

And my INNER GODDESS was wondering about how many shades of psychosis those characters really have. She sank into the plush sofa in my head and put her feet in the coffee table, grabbed her copy of Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea and totally immersed herself to the silly but at least funny anecdotes in the book. But not before she rolled her eyes at me. Yeah. My snobbish, snappy inner goddess is not amused by this particular choice of book. Good thing Christian didn't see that eye-roll, or she would have kicked his controlling, stalker, psycho ass once he utters his usual "So help me god, Lucresia's Inner Goddess, I will take you over my knees and smack you hard with my twitchy palms." Now let's see who's the real Dom. -_-

Seriously, this is worse than Twilight.

So many times I wanted to give up & not finish it, but, I needed to know what it is that made this book so popular.

QUICKIES: The Smiths before & 7 years later, and The Usual Suspects

Either I'm too lazy at the moment, or the movie does not deserve a full review. Here are my straight-to-the-point reviews, QUICKIES if you will, of AFTER EARTH, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS, and THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

The hunt for courage, happyness, and Keyser Soze.

Nag-PAGPAG ka ba? (Siyam na Buhay na walang kabuhay-buhay)

"Hindi ba ako mukhang seryoso?? Mukha ba akong natatawa??" Yan ang maangas na sabi ni Daniel Padilla, a.k.a. Cedric the action star, sa kanyang feeling girlfriend. "HINDI. MUKHA KANG KAHOY." ang buong bitterness ko na pagbulong sa katabi ko. Ewan ko kung anong meron ang batang ire at bakit ubod siya ng sikat. First time ko siyang napanood at isang salita lang ang gustong sambitin ng aking mga mapupulang labi.... WORKSHOP. Halatang idol na idol si Uncle Binoe at kung makapag-jacket wagas (baka may supply galing kay Willie). Hinihintay ko na nga lang na mag-vest siya ala-Maging Sino Ka Man. O_O

Mapapalampas ko pa sana ang napakawalang kwentang acting ni Daniel kung maganda ang pelikula. Pero hindi eh. Ang sakit. Ang sakit sa ulo. 

Halos buong cast gusto kong itapon sa bangin sa katawa-tawang acting. At least si Kathryn Bernardo may talento naman. Si Janus Del Prado consistent sa pagiging lasssheng, in fairness sa kanya. Pero kahit na mahusay si Janus sa ginampanang role, parang sumobra naman ang pagiging comic relief niya at tila nakalimutan na ata ng director na horror movie ito. Medyo nagcaclash lang kasi ang ibang eksena sa biglang pagpapatawa ni Tsong. Di bale, kahit naman hindi siya magpatawa, hindi talaga kaseryo-seryoso itong pelikulang ito. Gusto kong ipagpag ng ipagpag na para bang nagdidikitang dandruff sa itim kong blouse.

Sa kabilang banda, pansin ko rin naman na maganda ang cinematography at pagkaka-edit ng pelikula. Ayos din na hindi puro CGI ang ginawang effects, maliban na lang sa pagkarami-raming fake na usok na halatang nag-enjoy gawin ng Special Effects dude (tribute siguro sa usok ng Maynila). Hindi rin boring ang galaw ng camera unlike sa mga typikal na pinoy movies na sukat ang bawat anggulo. Mala-indie kumbaga, pero hanggang dun nalang yon. Ito ang pelikula na hindi ako napasigaw sa takot. Sa tawa (hindi dahil sa nakakatawa), oo. Sa yamot, malamang. Kahit pagkagulat man lang wala. Paano ka naman matatakot eh halos kulay blue na ang mga multo. Smurfs lang? Parang multong pang-Vic Sotto na movie. Nakakatawa.

Hinding-hindi sumagi sa isip ko na sasabihin ko to, pero sa kalagitnaan ng pelikula sinabi ko sa kaibigan ko na "Parang na-miss ko tuloy si Kris Aquino sa horror movies." At yun guys ang sukdulan. Naglolokohan na lang ba tayo tuwing film festival? Umaasa na lang ba talaga ang mga producer sa mga mang-mang na trip ng masa tuwing kapaskuhan at forever na lang ba tayong nanakawan ng nakolektang aginaldo? Ewan ko kung bitter lang ako o OA lang ang mga nanonood pero talagang sigaw kung sigaw at halakhak sa mga "scare tactics" at punchlines ang mga nanonood habang kami naman ng mga kaibigan ko tingin ng tingin sa orasan. Ewan talaga.

Mabuti na lang talaga at libre lang kaming nakanood (una sa lahat hindi naman ako magbabayad ng P140 para sa basurang MMFF line up na to) - salamat sa complimentary tickets na bigay ng asawa ng boss ng kaibigan ko na galing ata sa mayor (ewan ko kung si Erap o kung sino pang Ejercito na mayor) na ewan ko ba kung nanay niya o tatay. Basta. Thank you. At thank you Ate Tess (na hiyang-hiya makitang pumipila sa ticket booth ng MMFF movies) dahil napasaya mo kami sa mga donya expressions mo, at Kris para sa pag-imbita mo sa amin sa unforgettable movie experience na to.

My Rating: 0.5/5 (o sige na nga 1/5 na. Para sa teknikal na aspeto) - Horror ang ine-expect ko pero comedy pala ang pinasukan namin. Siguraduhing mag-pagpag pagkatapos ninyong manood nito. Baka buong taon sumunod sa inyo ang multo ng mga walang kwentang pelikula.

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BOOK REVIEW: Digital Fortress

Author:  Dan Brown

Genre:  Techno-thriller

Country:  U.S.

Year:  1998

Pages:  430 (Paperback)

"She was still struggling to comprehend its existence. She's spent her life breaking codes, firmly denying the existence of the ultimate code. Every code is breakable - the Bergofsky Principle! She felt like an atheist coming face to face with God." - Digital Fortress


After reading five books by Dan Brown, it seems that there's no hope left. I've read and liked The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons back when I still thoroughly enjoyed badly-written books with equally badly-structured plots and 2D characters AND sugar-coated with a whirlwind of mystery & thrill rides, but seriously Mr. Brown, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Book after book, it's the same pattern, same twists, same underdeveloped characters that after a few pages I already know what's going to happen. It's the same thing over and over.

The dialogues range from bad to cringe-worthy. The twists are so very predictable. The main characters, who are supposedly "academes" & "geniuses", seem to be so dense & do stupid things most of the time. And that climax where a group of "NSA-elite" tries to figure out the clues left for them & they stand there totally baffled and useless, like lumps of warm crap.. I almost wanted to shout the answer, but I know they won't hear me, not because it's a book but because they're a bunch of dimwits created by the master dimwit himself - Dan Brown.

On a slightly positive note,

MOVIE REVIEW: The Host (2013)

Director:  Andrew Niccol (director of S1m0ne, and Gattaca)

Writers:  Andrew Niccol (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Cast: Saoirse Ronan (Wanda/Melanie), Diane Kruger (The Seeker), Max Irons (Jared), Jake Abel (Ian), William Hurt (Uncle Jeb)

Plot Summary: "When an unseen enemy threatens mankind by taking over their bodies and erasing their memories, Melanie will risk everything to protect the people she cares most about, proving that love can conquer all in a dangerous new world." - IMDb

Taglines:  

"Choose to believe. Choose to fight. Choose to love. Choose to listen."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -- 

After reading this review I know that you may choose to believe. You may even choose to fight. But I highly suggest that you choose to listen to me. And listen to me good. Stay away from this film. It's a ginormous waste of time. You could be watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. re-runs or cleaning your attic - it would be much more fulfilling.

BOOK REVIEW: Beauty's Release (1985)

So here we are… book three. The whole time I kept on wondering why the hell did Anne Rice make this into three parts? Why prolong the agony of her readers? It’s just a repetition of weird and gross stuff. She could have just condensed it into one book! Seriously. Reading about impalement, anal sex, human ponies, orgies, spanking, phalluses with horsetails, rape ad nauseum is not fun! Beauty/tristan/laurent falling in love with every freaking masters they have and forgetting them the second they meet a new one… wow.

This book, for me, is the worst among the three. While it has its good parts, still after enduring book 1 and 2, my patience is limited.

The only person worth reading about is Laurent. At least that boy has guts.

Tristan (after being so damn interesting in book 2, has turned into this spineless, weepy, irrelevant character) was pushed aside into this dark pathetic corner where he continually mopes about some pathetic unimportant things. (SPOILERS) After hurting his supposed “love of his life” Master Nicholas because he refused to go back with him to the village, and then resent him because Nicholas didn't punish him, then he realizes he actually still loves Nicholas but forgot about it because he didn't get spanked hard enough! How gay are you??? Pathetic, whiny bitch.


And Beauty… wow Beauty. She’s like the mother of all Bellas and Anastasias. At least those girls stuck to one guy. This pathetic moron falls in love with ever guy or girl willing to whip her ass. She whines about missing her previous masters/mistresses but then gets it on with the first guy with a cock and a smack and then she’s like “Inanna who? Alexi who? Prince charming who?”. Slutty moron bitch.


Maybe I couldn’t blame them because they were forced into this sex slavery BDSM world at the age of what 15? 16? It’s not just physical torment, this is psychological abuse, emotional manipulation. THEY’RE JUST KIDS FOR GOD’S SAKE! Yes it’s still written better than most erotic novels. But if you strip down this sexual fantasy world? All you get is this: 

• Teenagers gathered to be humiliated and used as sex slaves, forced and taught to be submissives and that their masters own them. 
• All day they are naked and they don’t catch a cold. 
• They don’t bathe everyday and yet every chance they get they are humping around like wild sex-crazed rabbits. Sexy!! -_- 
• They don’t seem to feel any other physiologic needs like hunger, thirst, poop/pee time, and other important human feelings because they’re just so damn horny every single minute! 
• They don’t know what real love is (which is evidenced by their annoying fickle-mindedness) because they’re just kids messed up by this weird sexual psycho world! So yeah, totally not sexy -_- 

(SPOILERS BELOW)

I mean, first they’re treated as the lowliest of slaves, then they get to the village and treated as —well still slaves — but also public property, then they were kidnapped and brought to this Arab kingdom treated as animals who are incapable of human speech and intellect. And then they get sent back to the village and treated as PONIES. And they loved all of that! No wonder these characters are 69 shades of messed up!

What surprised me the most are not the ponies or phalluses up the ponies' asses all day, or the circumcised females. It’s the ending. King Laurent marries Princess Beauty, and I was like wha— wait just a second, what?? Just because both of them were trying to figure out what love is doesn’t mean they found love together. They didn’t even know each other until the last part of book 2. And they only slept together on the journey back to the village. Probably the most non-sexual intimacy they shared is Laurent helping Beauty get dressed. And that’s it they live happily ever after?? Well, I guess better than Tristan who’s probably more girly than Beauty.


I’m just glad I'm finished with this.

MY RATING: 1/5

I’ll probably give it a 0.5 specially because of that part where Laurent got punished with a mixture of flour and honey on his goods TO ATTRACT FLIES! And I’m pretty sure Laurent shared that feeling quite vividly — he felt flies crawling up his ass… yes he said that if I'm not mistaken. My god, and I thought I could handle kinky.

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MOVIE REVIEW: Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

Director: 

Bill Condon (also known for directing Dreamgirls, and Breaking Dawn Pt. 1)

Writers: 

Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Taglines:

"The epic finale that will live forever"

-------------

can this poster be MORE amateurish and awkward? it’s like the twilight team didn’t even put an effort to pretend that this is not a joke of a movie. I guess, after 4 top-grossing films, they thought “eh, what the hell, people are gonna watch this stupid film anyway.” ….  this poster is really ugh.. idk……  what it actually conveys to me is that these actors are running away from the movie frantically trying to escape this nightmare of a saga. 

this movie is just as bad as the book.

i was bored, unimpressed, and it only made me relive how annoyed i was at the book’s anticlimactic ending.

why did i watch it?  because i like watching crappy but oh-so-popular movies bec it’s so damn entertaining to see how hollywood could create such crap and make it one of the highest-grossing films of the year or decade whatever.

WHAT I WAS EXPECTING:

1. Kristen Stewart’s one-expression “acting”
2. Robert Pattinson I-have-a-low-soft-voice-i-am-so-goshdarn-sexy-and-cool
3. Taylor Lautner’s 106-pack abs shots
4. sparkly coven of mutant vampires convening in the highly convenient vast expanse of area hidden in the forest of Forks where they always fight the bad guys
5. good indie soundtrack 
6. a good 2-hour entertainment with the usual twilight-standards. (because I did enjoy Breaking Dawn 1)

WHAT I GOT:

1. yes, there’s Bella’s flat acting.. every single scene… i couldnt even force myself to relate or emphatize to her situations even if someone’s about to force feed me horse manure… (they’re about to die and be separated from their child for crying out loud! and yet i dont feel a tinge of sadness or impending doom -_-) … yes, she’s THAT unrelatable. and annoying.
2. check! could u BE more low-key, Edward? i know you’re supposed to be this ultra-refined, cool, sexy, low-toned voice sparkly vampire. but man oh man! i just wanna smack u in the face O_O
3. whew! finally, this movie is not about Jacob’s abs!! 
4. the book is like a mash-up of X-Men and silly clownish vampires.. but the movie didnt overindulge in that area.  and yes i was wondering where the SPARKLE went…..
5. i havent downloaded the OST yet, but im sure i’ve heard 2-3 songs that i like. though i found this particular movie lacking when it comes to it’s musical scoring. just typical Carter Burwell score throughout the entire movie. i really like Burwell, but i just miss the previous films artists….. where is Muse, Florence + The Machine, Sia, The Black Keys, Death Cab, Thom Yorke, Bon Iver……. in BD2, it’s just oversaturated with Burwell’s score.
6. instead, i got a two-hour not-so-well edited, lackluster, cheesy snooze-fest.

WHAT I WAS THINKING WHILE WATCHING BD2:

• how comical are these vampires? and not in a good way.

• this is the worse finale ever.

• The Volturi seemed so much more clownish than ever before. Aro, wow, Aro….. that squeal u did……. shaking head. and Marcus and Caius or whoever they are - are the most useless sidekicks ever. and they’re supposed to be the most powerful and feared coven in the entire sparkly-vampire-world!

• wow that baby is creeeeeepy!!!! it’s supposed to be the most beautiful, most enchanting baby ever, but they managed to make it creepier than Chucky. and when she grew, i think their idea of a beautiful vampire kid is in the image of a BRATZ DOLL. O_O

Both an animatronic baby and 3-week-old babies were used in the film. Kristen Stewart preferred working with the real babies because she felt they helped her give a better performance. (IMDb)  

                  — BETTER PERFORMANCE??? WHERE?? i guess they decided to just use                                    animatronic babies instead…..

• everytime Bella and Edward kiss or try to make another batch of half-vampire half-zombie babies, all i can think of is “does Robert know that Kristen is cheating on him? ……Oh and of course, I can’t help but see 50 Shades of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.. tsk tsk… My mind is ruined for eternity.

• i really can’t get over the fact that this movie sucks. it’s so dry and boring and wow the acting! wow! INTENSE!!!! esp Aro and Bella! powerhouse! it’s like one giant serving of stale HAM and cheese! too many close up shots of Aro “seeing the thoughts” of whoever he touches. While us audiences get to see nothing but his oh so dramatic facial expressions! HOW EXCITING! and the best ham actor award goes to —- !!!!   -_-   and Bella, oh sweet Bella…… you have managed to make the film’s attempt at humor fall flat. the way you make you’re voice sound like batman when you’re angry is comedy at its best. the way you try to act, but only end up looking constipated is such a tragedy. and when u had that sparkly fairy/light orgasm after a night of nakedness with Edward made my Coke Zero dribble out thru my nose! i was oooh i can’t explain it!….. Oh such a plethora of EMOTIONS!! ….. no.. not really. LOL

• and as the movie nears its end, i am so thankful that finally i wont see another scene with Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, or Esmee….. such useless characters. The only character i thought has real personality is Leah Clearwater! and where is she? oh there, falling down into the fiery pits of hell which Benjamin caused in an attempt to rid the world of bad vampires, he also possibly destroyed the other half of the world by destroying the earth’s crust and through its core. I also liked Garrett and one of the Denali sisters (electricity girl) - they actually have more spark then Edward-Bella-Jacob ever had..

• and wow that fan video at the end, when they’re in the meadows…. speechless!!! makes me wonder if this movie is a real movie and not just an amateur film… oh but then i have seen amateur films that are waaaay better.

• THE EPIC FINALE THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER…. yes… in Film Purgatory - where crappy films are thrown and chained there until they realize where they went wrong.. YES, FOREVER AND EVER.

In conclusion, i have enjoyed the previous films (because i think they were better than those badly-edited books), so it’s just super disappointing to watch this awful awful finale.

despite of the plotholes, the cheesy, barf-inducing “romance”, the awful acting, and the sparkly vampires, i did enjoy this saga. But Breaking Dawn Part 2, wow, it sucked big time. just like it’s anticlimactic ending — after all the build up and hype, in the end, nothing happens. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE.

THE ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA IS ITS SOUNDTRACKS… i love the OSTs. .from twilight to breaking dawn…. 

So at least, it’s been an amusing journey :)

FINALLY, THE SAGA DOES NOT CONTINUE. THANK YOU.


MY RATINGS: 2/5 - lame finale.

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BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades Trilogy (2012)

Author:  E.L. James
Genre:  erotica

It took me several weeks to finish this trilogy because I just couldn’t read it straight. I tried, but the urge to punch myself in the gut whenever I read about Ana’s inner goddess & Christian’s darkening gaze becomes too strong most of the time so I had to take long breaks.

I know I could have chosen to not finish these books, but I guess, all of us have that tendency to be a masochist for Grey. Ugh, not. I just try to finish every book I start. There’s only one exception to that rule, and that’s a book about a man looking for his sword and which involves a detailed instruction on how to become/simulate a tree.

Anyway, I downloaded the e-books knowing that they are probably filth (and not the good kind) but I never thought it would suck this badly. Like, seriously, it sucked so much that I wanted to cry at some point, wanting to give up on it. I hated the characters, because they represent almost every negative qualities you can find in a human being. They’re vapid, empty, selfish, and one-dimensional. The circumstances/events/”conflicts” are so affected and forced.

I am still figuring out what is there to like in this series, but all I can think of is what I don’t like:

• The writing, character development, storyline, conflicts, etc. — i would not dwell on that. Three words: BURN AFTER READING.
• Christian’s staccato. COULD. YOU. BE. ANY. MORE. ANNOYING?
• I swear, hearing Ana repeatedly utter Oh!, holy hell, holy crap, double crap, holy moses, holy cow, oh my! really almost broke my will to finish this series. I mean cmon! Every single time Christian seduces you/asks you to have rough stimulating sex with him, strips naked and his giant beef shawarma pops up, you say OH MY or HOLY COW???? You’re married to him for crying out loud! His fingers have been too at home inside your “hot pocket” and “behind/arse” and you still blush furiously when he “looks at you with his smoldering dark gaze?!”
• Oh and aside from the Ana-words listed above, how many times do you think you could use these phrases/words in almost every chapter and still think it’s okay? This is not cool E.L.!

carnal desire

just-fucked hair

foil packets

"He’s so freaking hot wearing those pajama bottoms/jeans hanging low from his hips"

"You.are.so.beautiful.Ana."

"Give it to me Ana." then, a minute later…. "Oh Ana!" (nice one Mr. One-Minute Man)

"Will I ever get used to this?" (Oh puh-lease Anastasia! Yes okay??!!! I think you’re gonna get used to being rich, your future sons being heirs, you living with people to serve and guard you! And yes, your husband is so freaking hot, we know already!)

"I’m gonna fuck you. Hard." (poor HARD. always alone, separated from the other words… no need to emphasize that as we all know by now that Christian Grey is a “hard fucker with all the bonus kinky fuckery.” Sexy.)

"Oh my fifty. my fifty, fifty, fifty." O_O (stop it with the Fifty endearment. I already hate Christian, and suddenly visualizing 50 Cent doesn’t help.)

"Look mami I got what ya need, you need to feel the buzz.
I'm into havin' sex, I ain't into makin' love..."

• "Are you rolling your eyes, Mrs. Grey?" (Yes Mr. Grey! Are you blind? Unless, Anastasia is suffering from seizures, then uhm yeah, she’s rolling her eyes at your utter lack of emotional maturity. Deal with it.)
• And my all-time favorite: "DON’T BITE YOUR LIP." (O_O seriously Christian? I know, Ana biting her lip is supposed to be SUPERDUPER MEGA sexy and makes her irresistible. But why do you continually try to dissuade her from doing that? It can’t be because you don’t wanna lose control and ravage her on the spot, coz that’s what you always do, you controlling pervy bastard. -_-)
• Anastasia’s idiotic musings.

Holy mother of god it's actually a real honest-to-goodness baby!!! Umm, duh, what did you expect - Gollum?

• Christian’s tendency to over-“tell” and not “show” which makes me feel like he’s a freaking sports commentator. And oh yeah, Anastasia’s stupid expressions.

• Anastasia’s inner goddess and subconscious. 

Ana and Christian could have sex anywhere in this world and in outer space, and still, the sex would be boring. Why? From Grey to Freed, E.L. used the same pattern over and over that by the time I got to Fifty Shades Darker & Freed I found myself skipping the sex parts because it’s just so damn irritating to read Mr. Foil Packet wham bham slam his chunky-chunky into Anastasia’s always-ready hot pocket for three minutes. This is basically how the scenes go (and this happens AT LEAST once every chapter):

Ana bites her lip/ Christian looks so hot and smoldering in his low-hanging pajama bottom or white shirt and linen pants.

Christian’s gaze darken/ Ana feels that familiar stirring deep in her belly… OH. That carnal desire!

Christian teases/nips/nibbles/grazes whatever/ Ana can’t wait for Christian to slam his sweet corn into her eager taco.

Ana feels his erection pushing against her hip/ Christian is amazed how “ready” Ana is for him

Christian grabs one of his unlimited supply of foil packets.

Christian eases into/slams into the amazon virgin forest and “choose desired pace”

wham bham slam smack hack whack crack wooohooooo hoooooo hooooo oh!

Christian urges Ana to “open her eyes” coz he “wants to see her” (wait, what??)... wham wham bham bham slam……. “come on Ana, give it to me….”

Ana finally decides to “give it to him” and feel that fireworks of feelings in her groin, and ooohhh that sweet final release!!!

Two seconds later, Christian gives in too and ALWAYS ALWAYS whispers/murmurs/mouths “OH, ANA”… O_O

Add in a pre/post-coital “YOU.ARE.SO.BEAUTIFUL.ANA.” aaaannnnd the routine is complete.

And E.L. seems to not wanna stop giving us treats, she decides to give some bonus materials! Woohoo! Who needs Midnight Sun (in your face SMeyer!) when we can have this!!?

Fifty and his love for balls!!

Aaaaand finally I’m done! I can’t wait for the movie!! LOL


MY RATINGS: 1/5 (this series has no literary merit or redeeming qualities, but it has made me laugh at some point, hence the "1")

You know a book REALLY sucks when the bookstore
selling it discourages you from buying it. lol. 

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Fifty Shades Darker

"I must be about 3, & the crack whore’s pimp is mad as hell again. He smokes & smokes, one cigarette after another, & he can’t find an ashtray. He stops, and i freeze as a creeping chill grips my heart ."

Oh the melodrama is killing me!

"He wants me, but his words from earlier choose this moment to come back and haunt me, what he said about his mother. And it’s like a bucket of cold water on my libido. Fuck. I can’t do this. Not now."

“Christian…. Stop. I can’t do this.” I whispered urgently against his mouth, my hands pushing on his upper arms.
“What? What’s wrong?” He murmurs and starts kissing my neck, running the tip of his tongue lightly down my throat. Oh.“No please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please.”“Oh Ana, don’t overthink this.” he whispers as he nips my earlobe.

DON’T OVERTHINK THIS??? Is he effing serious?  He just told Ana that he is a SADIST who loves to beat the crap out of little brown-haired girls SPOILERS: who look like his crack whore birth mother for sexual gratification. And Ana’s reaction to this? — "My world stops. Oh no. My immediate thought is that Leila is right— “Master is dark.”

-_-

And Ana begs for some little time to think about it without having to endure another wham bham crack whip slap smack slam thank you very much mam from Mr. 5 Minutes, and he dismisses her plea like she is a non-existent mushroom in the world of Fifty (which most likely she is)…. Oh and you know what happens next. Of course, Ana says “OH”, and feels that delicious stirring down her belly as she feels his constant erection pushing against her hip, and gives in to Mr. Sexy Foil Packet’s seduction.

Christian Grey is one messed up, stalker billionaire, who deserves to be dining with the likes of Norman Bates and Ted Bundy — in hell. He’s possessive, paranoid, manipulative, stalkerish, has no boundaries, doesn’t know the meaning of privacy and rights, and everything not nice. He needs more than one Dr. Flynn! Even Dr. Phil can’t cure his fifty shades of psychosis.

“I don’t understand. What about RULERS and spanking and all that kinky fuckery?” He runs a hand through his hair and almost smiles but instead sighs ruefully. “I’m talking about the heavy shit, Anastasia. You should see what i can do with a cane or a CAT.”

O_O

I really don’t know what to feel about this. should I laugh? Or just tear my hair and burn myself from letting such crap enter my system? Since my copy is an e-book, I would like to think that CAT is a typo…. but it doesn't make it any better…. BAT, RAT, MAT, HAT? OH what a bad boy! Gosh darn sexy Mr. Christian Grey, the human ashtray.

And Anastasia Steele - I would not waste my time trying to dissect your mind & multiple personalities - because that's just pathetic.

My Rating:  0/5 - No. Just no. 

*Photos/GIFs courtesy of Tumblr.

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