BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades of Grey

**just reposting from my Goodreads account. Didn't even remember writing a review for this one - that's a sign how much I tried to forget about this crap.

Well , well.. That was painful. And not in a good way. 

Author:  E.L. James
Country:  UK
Genre:  Erotic Romance, BDSM
# of pages:  514
Year Published:  2011

Holy cow, that was horrible writing! Thank God I'm done with this one!

My SUBCONSCIOUS is currently floating in a river - lifeless. Just wasn't able to take all the crap I force-fed her.

And my INNER GODDESS was wondering about how many shades of psychosis those characters really have. She sank into the plush sofa in my head and put her feet in the coffee table, grabbed her copy of Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea and totally immersed herself to the silly but at least funny anecdotes in the book. But not before she rolled her eyes at me. Yeah. My snobbish, snappy inner goddess is not amused by this particular choice of book. Good thing Christian didn't see that eye-roll, or she would have kicked his controlling, stalker, psycho ass once he utters his usual "So help me god, Lucresia's Inner Goddess, I will take you over my knees and smack you hard with my twitchy palms." Now let's see who's the real Dom. -_-

Seriously, this is worse than Twilight.

So many times I wanted to give up & not finish it, but, I needed to know what it is that made this book so popular.

BOOK REVIEW: Beauty's Release (1985)

So here we are… book three. The whole time I kept on wondering why the hell did Anne Rice make this into three parts? Why prolong the agony of her readers? It’s just a repetition of weird and gross stuff. She could have just condensed it into one book! Seriously. Reading about impalement, anal sex, human ponies, orgies, spanking, phalluses with horsetails, rape ad nauseum is not fun! Beauty/tristan/laurent falling in love with every freaking masters they have and forgetting them the second they meet a new one… wow.

This book, for me, is the worst among the three. While it has its good parts, still after enduring book 1 and 2, my patience is limited.

The only person worth reading about is Laurent. At least that boy has guts.

Tristan (after being so damn interesting in book 2, has turned into this spineless, weepy, irrelevant character) was pushed aside into this dark pathetic corner where he continually mopes about some pathetic unimportant things. (SPOILERS) After hurting his supposed “love of his life” Master Nicholas because he refused to go back with him to the village, and then resent him because Nicholas didn't punish him, then he realizes he actually still loves Nicholas but forgot about it because he didn't get spanked hard enough! How gay are you??? Pathetic, whiny bitch.


And Beauty… wow Beauty. She’s like the mother of all Bellas and Anastasias. At least those girls stuck to one guy. This pathetic moron falls in love with ever guy or girl willing to whip her ass. She whines about missing her previous masters/mistresses but then gets it on with the first guy with a cock and a smack and then she’s like “Inanna who? Alexi who? Prince charming who?”. Slutty moron bitch.


Maybe I couldn’t blame them because they were forced into this sex slavery BDSM world at the age of what 15? 16? It’s not just physical torment, this is psychological abuse, emotional manipulation. THEY’RE JUST KIDS FOR GOD’S SAKE! Yes it’s still written better than most erotic novels. But if you strip down this sexual fantasy world? All you get is this: 

• Teenagers gathered to be humiliated and used as sex slaves, forced and taught to be submissives and that their masters own them. 
• All day they are naked and they don’t catch a cold. 
• They don’t bathe everyday and yet every chance they get they are humping around like wild sex-crazed rabbits. Sexy!! -_- 
• They don’t seem to feel any other physiologic needs like hunger, thirst, poop/pee time, and other important human feelings because they’re just so damn horny every single minute! 
• They don’t know what real love is (which is evidenced by their annoying fickle-mindedness) because they’re just kids messed up by this weird sexual psycho world! So yeah, totally not sexy -_- 

(SPOILERS BELOW)

I mean, first they’re treated as the lowliest of slaves, then they get to the village and treated as —well still slaves — but also public property, then they were kidnapped and brought to this Arab kingdom treated as animals who are incapable of human speech and intellect. And then they get sent back to the village and treated as PONIES. And they loved all of that! No wonder these characters are 69 shades of messed up!

What surprised me the most are not the ponies or phalluses up the ponies' asses all day, or the circumcised females. It’s the ending. King Laurent marries Princess Beauty, and I was like wha— wait just a second, what?? Just because both of them were trying to figure out what love is doesn’t mean they found love together. They didn’t even know each other until the last part of book 2. And they only slept together on the journey back to the village. Probably the most non-sexual intimacy they shared is Laurent helping Beauty get dressed. And that’s it they live happily ever after?? Well, I guess better than Tristan who’s probably more girly than Beauty.


I’m just glad I'm finished with this.

MY RATING: 1/5

I’ll probably give it a 0.5 specially because of that part where Laurent got punished with a mixture of flour and honey on his goods TO ATTRACT FLIES! And I’m pretty sure Laurent shared that feeling quite vividly — he felt flies crawling up his ass… yes he said that if I'm not mistaken. My god, and I thought I could handle kinky.

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BOOK REVIEW: Beauty's Punishment (1984)

Author:  A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Genre:  erotica, fiction
Year published:  19884

Beauty gets sent to the village, otherwise known as the kingdom’s sexual/punishment purgatory, together with Tristan, as a punishment for their insolence or disobedience. They haven’t even arrived to the village yet, and Beauty already forgot about her beloved Alexi, Prince Charming, or Lady Juliana, and she’s already getting it on with Prince Tristan…. naughty naughty itchy wormy…… they get auctioned off… punishment cross, human ponies with phalluses stuck up their asses, slaves being hanged in the walls, public punishments etc etc…. Beauty falls in love with her new master (who every now and then lends Beauty to his men, for them to be serviced of course) and mistress (who is the coldest and sternest mistress she ever had) — Captain and Mistress Lockley (which basing from descriptions and my imagination looks like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — so I can’t blame Beauty for not wanting to leave the village ever!)… Tristan gets a new master, Nicholas, and they fall in love with each other. From what i’ve read, i thought this is it…. a very sweet love story buried under this sexual menagerie….. but before i get to say “awwww” and smile, the royal slaves get kidnapped by these arab bandits and bought to this exotic land….

I think this one is the best among the three. Although there are still alot of over the top laughable stuff you will never see in your regular porn stash, I still liked it because I felt somehow connected with Tristan and Beauty, and their struggle to find themselves. And they did find themselves, and embraced what they truly are. Also the devotion they showed to their current masters.

This one is better than the first, probably because it’s shorter — thus less weird stuff… but I didn’t skip through paragraphs and pages so it means it’s not that bad… this book focuses on Beauty and Tristan and how they finally grasp and embrace the situation they were thrown into. That some people really aren’t meant for this BDSM crap, and some actually crave for it. This is really not for everybody, but Anne Rice managed to at least redeem this series by guiding us through Beauty and Tristan’s psyche, and make us flinch less when they are treated as ponies and wall decorations.

But seriously though.. horsetails??

Human ponies?

-_-


MY RATING: 3/5

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BOOK REVIEW: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty (1983)

Author:  A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Year Published:  1983
Genre:  erotica

QUICK RECAP: Beauty has been sleeping for 100 years & gets raped by her “prince charming” and voila, she wakes up! She’s brought to his kingdom (naked and constantly humiliated all throughout the journey) and was introduced to this world of sex slavery and BDSM.

All throughout, Beauty gets to be degraded, used & abused in every way by the Queen and down to lowliest of servants in the kitchen/servant’s hall. Beauty offers her never-ending loyalty to her Prince, falls in love with Prince Alexi, gets mesmerized by her Lady Julianna, and becomes awestruck with the Queen. Yeah… We might have an idea that Beauty is not exactly a stick-to-one kind of gal.

THE VERDICT:

Weird. Degrading. Weird. Just weird. Oh and yeah, you might think it’s really weird. I guess you wouldn’t understand/appreciate this book if you’re not really into BDSM because this is total icky slave humiliation and “training” stuff (which some would probably love).

This book would be okay IF the slaves signed up for that “sex-slavery training” willingly… but in the story, they were gathered from their kingdoms and brought into all this stuff, not of their own free will. So if you consider everything that happened to the princes and princesses, it’s rape, inhumane treatment, “animal” cruelty since they were treated as animals, and other taboo stuff. And yet, while it is weird and icky, you can’t deny Anne Rice’s ability to make anything sensual. Also she delves into human psychology and desire. You find yourself wanting to try to understand why slavery/dominance is appealing to others. How they think and feel at the moment. And though there are A LOT of scenes that weirded me out, it’s the struggle of Beauty to understand why her abject predicament suddenly feels right to her, that caught my interest. That even when her mind says no, her body betrays her…

Once you get past the initial shock and barf-inducing laughable scenes, or if you found yourself skipping through paragraphs, then you’ll realize it’s not that bad. But it’s just not that good as well. Basically it’s weird and gross. lol


I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. Despite of the WTF moments in the book, Anne is known for her talent in sensuality and erotica but this is not for me. I’m not squeamish or anything, I just didn’t like it. But I didn’t stop bec. there’s a mystery behind the story and I kept thinking Anne would redeem herself in the next installment.


MY RATING: 2/5 - recommended to those who appreciate erotica, but to the squeamish, conservative types, please be warned.

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BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades Trilogy (2012)

Author:  E.L. James
Genre:  erotica

It took me several weeks to finish this trilogy because I just couldn’t read it straight. I tried, but the urge to punch myself in the gut whenever I read about Ana’s inner goddess & Christian’s darkening gaze becomes too strong most of the time so I had to take long breaks.

I know I could have chosen to not finish these books, but I guess, all of us have that tendency to be a masochist for Grey. Ugh, not. I just try to finish every book I start. There’s only one exception to that rule, and that’s a book about a man looking for his sword and which involves a detailed instruction on how to become/simulate a tree.

Anyway, I downloaded the e-books knowing that they are probably filth (and not the good kind) but I never thought it would suck this badly. Like, seriously, it sucked so much that I wanted to cry at some point, wanting to give up on it. I hated the characters, because they represent almost every negative qualities you can find in a human being. They’re vapid, empty, selfish, and one-dimensional. The circumstances/events/”conflicts” are so affected and forced.

I am still figuring out what is there to like in this series, but all I can think of is what I don’t like:

• The writing, character development, storyline, conflicts, etc. — i would not dwell on that. Three words: BURN AFTER READING.
• Christian’s staccato. COULD. YOU. BE. ANY. MORE. ANNOYING?
• I swear, hearing Ana repeatedly utter Oh!, holy hell, holy crap, double crap, holy moses, holy cow, oh my! really almost broke my will to finish this series. I mean cmon! Every single time Christian seduces you/asks you to have rough stimulating sex with him, strips naked and his giant beef shawarma pops up, you say OH MY or HOLY COW???? You’re married to him for crying out loud! His fingers have been too at home inside your “hot pocket” and “behind/arse” and you still blush furiously when he “looks at you with his smoldering dark gaze?!”
• Oh and aside from the Ana-words listed above, how many times do you think you could use these phrases/words in almost every chapter and still think it’s okay? This is not cool E.L.!

carnal desire

just-fucked hair

foil packets

"He’s so freaking hot wearing those pajama bottoms/jeans hanging low from his hips"

"You.are.so.beautiful.Ana."

"Give it to me Ana." then, a minute later…. "Oh Ana!" (nice one Mr. One-Minute Man)

"Will I ever get used to this?" (Oh puh-lease Anastasia! Yes okay??!!! I think you’re gonna get used to being rich, your future sons being heirs, you living with people to serve and guard you! And yes, your husband is so freaking hot, we know already!)

"I’m gonna fuck you. Hard." (poor HARD. always alone, separated from the other words… no need to emphasize that as we all know by now that Christian Grey is a “hard fucker with all the bonus kinky fuckery.” Sexy.)

"Oh my fifty. my fifty, fifty, fifty." O_O (stop it with the Fifty endearment. I already hate Christian, and suddenly visualizing 50 Cent doesn’t help.)

"Look mami I got what ya need, you need to feel the buzz.
I'm into havin' sex, I ain't into makin' love..."

• "Are you rolling your eyes, Mrs. Grey?" (Yes Mr. Grey! Are you blind? Unless, Anastasia is suffering from seizures, then uhm yeah, she’s rolling her eyes at your utter lack of emotional maturity. Deal with it.)
• And my all-time favorite: "DON’T BITE YOUR LIP." (O_O seriously Christian? I know, Ana biting her lip is supposed to be SUPERDUPER MEGA sexy and makes her irresistible. But why do you continually try to dissuade her from doing that? It can’t be because you don’t wanna lose control and ravage her on the spot, coz that’s what you always do, you controlling pervy bastard. -_-)
• Anastasia’s idiotic musings.

Holy mother of god it's actually a real honest-to-goodness baby!!! Umm, duh, what did you expect - Gollum?

• Christian’s tendency to over-“tell” and not “show” which makes me feel like he’s a freaking sports commentator. And oh yeah, Anastasia’s stupid expressions.

• Anastasia’s inner goddess and subconscious. 

Ana and Christian could have sex anywhere in this world and in outer space, and still, the sex would be boring. Why? From Grey to Freed, E.L. used the same pattern over and over that by the time I got to Fifty Shades Darker & Freed I found myself skipping the sex parts because it’s just so damn irritating to read Mr. Foil Packet wham bham slam his chunky-chunky into Anastasia’s always-ready hot pocket for three minutes. This is basically how the scenes go (and this happens AT LEAST once every chapter):

Ana bites her lip/ Christian looks so hot and smoldering in his low-hanging pajama bottom or white shirt and linen pants.

Christian’s gaze darken/ Ana feels that familiar stirring deep in her belly… OH. That carnal desire!

Christian teases/nips/nibbles/grazes whatever/ Ana can’t wait for Christian to slam his sweet corn into her eager taco.

Ana feels his erection pushing against her hip/ Christian is amazed how “ready” Ana is for him

Christian grabs one of his unlimited supply of foil packets.

Christian eases into/slams into the amazon virgin forest and “choose desired pace”

wham bham slam smack hack whack crack wooohooooo hoooooo hooooo oh!

Christian urges Ana to “open her eyes” coz he “wants to see her” (wait, what??)... wham wham bham bham slam……. “come on Ana, give it to me….”

Ana finally decides to “give it to him” and feel that fireworks of feelings in her groin, and ooohhh that sweet final release!!!

Two seconds later, Christian gives in too and ALWAYS ALWAYS whispers/murmurs/mouths “OH, ANA”… O_O

Add in a pre/post-coital “YOU.ARE.SO.BEAUTIFUL.ANA.” aaaannnnd the routine is complete.

And E.L. seems to not wanna stop giving us treats, she decides to give some bonus materials! Woohoo! Who needs Midnight Sun (in your face SMeyer!) when we can have this!!?

Fifty and his love for balls!!

Aaaaand finally I’m done! I can’t wait for the movie!! LOL


MY RATINGS: 1/5 (this series has no literary merit or redeeming qualities, but it has made me laugh at some point, hence the "1")

You know a book REALLY sucks when the bookstore
selling it discourages you from buying it. lol. 

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Fifty Shades Darker

"I must be about 3, & the crack whore’s pimp is mad as hell again. He smokes & smokes, one cigarette after another, & he can’t find an ashtray. He stops, and i freeze as a creeping chill grips my heart ."

Oh the melodrama is killing me!

"He wants me, but his words from earlier choose this moment to come back and haunt me, what he said about his mother. And it’s like a bucket of cold water on my libido. Fuck. I can’t do this. Not now."

“Christian…. Stop. I can’t do this.” I whispered urgently against his mouth, my hands pushing on his upper arms.
“What? What’s wrong?” He murmurs and starts kissing my neck, running the tip of his tongue lightly down my throat. Oh.“No please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please.”“Oh Ana, don’t overthink this.” he whispers as he nips my earlobe.

DON’T OVERTHINK THIS??? Is he effing serious?  He just told Ana that he is a SADIST who loves to beat the crap out of little brown-haired girls SPOILERS: who look like his crack whore birth mother for sexual gratification. And Ana’s reaction to this? — "My world stops. Oh no. My immediate thought is that Leila is right— “Master is dark.”

-_-

And Ana begs for some little time to think about it without having to endure another wham bham crack whip slap smack slam thank you very much mam from Mr. 5 Minutes, and he dismisses her plea like she is a non-existent mushroom in the world of Fifty (which most likely she is)…. Oh and you know what happens next. Of course, Ana says “OH”, and feels that delicious stirring down her belly as she feels his constant erection pushing against her hip, and gives in to Mr. Sexy Foil Packet’s seduction.

Christian Grey is one messed up, stalker billionaire, who deserves to be dining with the likes of Norman Bates and Ted Bundy — in hell. He’s possessive, paranoid, manipulative, stalkerish, has no boundaries, doesn’t know the meaning of privacy and rights, and everything not nice. He needs more than one Dr. Flynn! Even Dr. Phil can’t cure his fifty shades of psychosis.

“I don’t understand. What about RULERS and spanking and all that kinky fuckery?” He runs a hand through his hair and almost smiles but instead sighs ruefully. “I’m talking about the heavy shit, Anastasia. You should see what i can do with a cane or a CAT.”

O_O

I really don’t know what to feel about this. should I laugh? Or just tear my hair and burn myself from letting such crap enter my system? Since my copy is an e-book, I would like to think that CAT is a typo…. but it doesn't make it any better…. BAT, RAT, MAT, HAT? OH what a bad boy! Gosh darn sexy Mr. Christian Grey, the human ashtray.

And Anastasia Steele - I would not waste my time trying to dissect your mind & multiple personalities - because that's just pathetic.

My Rating:  0/5 - No. Just no. 

*Photos/GIFs courtesy of Tumblr.

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