Sunday, April 28, 2013

BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades Trilogy (2012)

Author:  E.L. James
Genre:  erotica
It took me several weeks to finish this trilogy because I just couldn’t read it straight. I tried, but the urge to punch myself in the gut whenever I read about Ana’s inner goddess & Christian’s darkening gaze becomes too strong most of the time so I had to take long breaks.

I know I could have chosen to not finish these books, but I guess, all of us have that tendency to be a masochist for Grey. Ugh, not. I just try to finish every book I start. There’s only one exception to that rule, and that’s a book about a man looking for his sword and which involves a detailed instruction on how to become/simulate a tree.

Anyway, I downloaded the e-books knowing that they are probably filth (and not the good kind) but I never thought it would suck this badly. Like, seriously, it sucked so much that I wanted to cry at some point, wanting to give up on it. I hated the characters, because they represent almost every negative qualities you can find in a human being. They’re vapid, empty, selfish, and one-dimensional. The circumstances/events/”conflicts” are so affected and forced.

I am still figuring out what is there to like in this series, but all I can think of is what I don’t like:

  • The writing, character development, storyline, conflicts, etc. — i would not dwell on that. Three words: BURN AFTER READING.
  • Christian’s staccato. COULD. YOU. BE. ANY. MORE. ANNOYING?
  • I swear, hearing Ana repeatedly utter Oh!, holy hell, holy crap, double crap, holy moses, holy cow, oh my! really almost broke my will to finish this series. I mean cmon! Every single time Christian seduces you/asks you to have rough stimulating sex with him, strips naked and his giant beef shawarma pops up, you say OH MY or HOLY COW???? You’re married to him for crying out loud! His fingers have been too at home inside your “hot pocket” and “behind/arse” and you still blush furiously when he “looks at you with his smoldering dark gaze?!”
  • Oh and aside from the Ana-words listed above, how many times do you think you could use these phrases/words in almost every chapter and still think it’s okay? This is not cool E.L.!

carnal desire
just-fucked hair
foil packets
"He’s so freaking hot wearing those pajama bottoms/jeans hanging low from his hips"
"Give it to me Ana." then, a minute later…. "Oh Ana!" (nice one Mr. One-Minute Man)
"Will I ever get used to this?" (Oh puh-lease Anastasia! Yes okay??!!! I think you’re gonna get used to being rich, your future sons being heirs, you living with people to serve and guard you! And yes, your husband is so freaking hot, we know already!)
"I’m gonna fuck you. Hard." (poor HARD. always alone, separated from the other words… no need to emphasize that as we all know by now that Christian Grey is a “hard fucker with all the bonus kinky fuckery.” Sexy.)
"Oh my fifty. my fifty, fifty, fifty." O_O (stop it with the Fifty endearment. I already hate Christian, and suddenly visualizing 50 Cent doesn’t help.)

"Look mami I got what ya need, you need to feel the buzz.
I'm into havin' sex, I ain't into makin' love..."

  • "Are you rolling your eyes, Mrs. Grey?" (Yes Mr. Grey! Are you blind? Unless, Anastasia is suffering from seizures, then uhm yeah, she’s rolling her eyes at your utter lack of emotional maturity. Deal with it.)
  • And my all-time favorite: "DON’T BITE YOUR LIP." (O_O seriously Christian? I know, Ana biting her lip is supposed to be SUPERDUPER MEGA sexy and makes her irresistible. But why do you continually try to dissuade her from doing that? It can’t be because you don’t wanna lose control and ravage her on the spot, coz that’s what you always do, you controlling pervy bastard. -_-)
  • Anastasia’s idiotic musings.

Holy mother of god it's actually a real honest-to-goodness baby!!! Umm, duh, what did you expect - Gollum?

  • Christian’s tendency to over-“tell” and not “show” which makes me feel like he’s a freaking sports commentator. And oh yeah, Anastasia’s stupid expressions.

  • Anastasia’s inner goddess and subconscious. 

Ana and Christian could have sex anywhere in this world and in outer space, and still, the sex would be boring. Why? From Grey to Freed, E.L. used the same pattern over and over that by the time I got to Fifty Shades Darker & Freed I found myself skipping the sex parts because it’s just so damn irritating to read Mr. Foil Packet wham bham slam his chunky-chunky into Anastasia’s always-ready hot pocket for three minutes. This is basically how the scenes go (and this happens AT LEAST once every chapter):

Ana bites her lip/ Christian looks so hot and smoldering in his low-hanging pajama bottom or white shirt and linen pants.
Christian’s gaze darken/ Ana feels that familiar stirring deep in her belly… OH. That carnal desire!
Christian teases/nips/nibbles/grazes whatever/ Ana can’t wait for Christian to slam his sweet corn into her eager taco.
Ana feels his erection pushing against her hip/ Christian is amazed how “ready” Ana is for him
Christian grabs one of his unlimited supply of foil packets.
Christian eases into/slams into the amazon virgin forest and “choose desired pace”
wham bham slam smack hack whack crack wooohooooo hoooooo hooooo oh!
Christian urges Ana to “open her eyes” coz he “wants to see her” (wait, what??)... wham wham bham bham slam……. “come on Ana, give it to me….”
Ana finally decides to “give it to him” and feel that fireworks of feelings in her groin, and ooohhh that sweet final release!!!
Two seconds later, Christian gives in too and ALWAYS ALWAYS whispers/murmurs/mouths “OH, ANA”… O_O
Add in a pre/post-coital “YOU.ARE.SO.BEAUTIFUL.ANA.” aaaannnnd the routine is complete.

And E.L. seems to not wanna stop giving us treats, she decides to give some bonus materials! Woohoo! Who needs Midnight Sun (in your face SMeyer!) when we can have this!!?

Fifty and his love for balls!!

Aaaaand finally I’m done! I can’t wait for the movie!! LOL

MY RATINGS: 1/5 (this series has no literary merit or redeeming qualities, but it has made me laugh at some point, hence the "1")

You know a book REALLY sucks when the bookstore
selling it discourages you from buying it. lol.

Check out MY ULTIMATE BOOK BUCKET LIST or the books I wanna read before I die!

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