Saturday, April 19, 2014

BOOK REVIEW: Fifty Shades of Grey

**just reposting from my Goodreads account. Didn't even remember writing a review for this one - that's a sign how much I tried to forget about this crap.

Well , well.. That was painful. And not in a good way.
Author:  E.L. James
Country:  UK
Genre:  Erotic Romance, BDSM
# of pages:  514
Year Published:  2011

Holy cow, that was horrible writing! Thank God I'm done with this one!

My SUBCONSCIOUS is currently floating in a river - lifeless. Just wasn't able to take all the crap I force-fed her.

And my INNER GODDESS was wondering about how many shades of psychosis those characters really have. She sank into the plush sofa in my head and put her feet in the coffee table, grabbed her copy of Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea and totally immersed herself to the silly but at least funny anecdotes in the book. But not before she rolled her eyes at me. Yeah. My snobbish, snappy inner goddess is not amused by this particular choice of book. Good thing Christian didn't see that eye-roll, or she would have kicked his controlling, stalker, psycho ass once he utters his usual "So help me god, Lucresia's Inner Goddess, I will take you over my knees and smack you hard with my twitchy palms." Now let's see who's the real Dom. -_-

Seriously, this is worse than Twilight.

So many times I wanted to give up & not finish it, but, I needed to know what it is that made this book so popular.

What I realized (a little too late) is that people read a lot of crap. Wish fulfillment. Empty characters. Sex. Money. Lust. Rich handsome guy falls head over heels for plain clumsy girl. Yeah. Crap.

I'm not saying I dont read crap (I love all kinds of crappy literature! lol), but im saying that this is like septic tank crap!

Holy guacamole!

"I SCOWL WITH FRUSTRATION (remember Bella, guys?) at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t BEHAVE, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into SUBMISSION. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under CONTROL with the brush. I ROLL MY EYES IN EXASPERATION (yes, it's bella alright) and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to RESTRAIN my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable." - Chapter One.
Ok, I know that paragraph should have been my warning to just forget about 50 shades of crap. To read something like that and seriously not consider throwing the book in an open fire, I don't know... it's messed up. That paragraph makes me wonder if the writer wrote it as a joke.. or that she seriously thought that putting words that preludes to the topic of the book to describe Ana's HAIR is cool. Both ideas are appalling.

This book gave me amusement, for what it's worth. 

YOU. ARE. MINE. ANASTASIA. Really?? You have to speak in staccato every few pages? Really? 

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU AGAIN ANASTASIA. I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU NOW ANASTASIA. IM GOING TO REMOVE YOUR TAMPON AND SLAM MY CHUNKY CHUNK IN YOUR HOT POCKET AND IT. WILL. MAKE. YOU. CRAZY. FOR. ME. Again, really? Slam slam slam, Oh God Christian! -enter orgasm-. repeat performance. slam slam slam. Ooh Anastasia. -end scene-

And last but definitely not the least, PUTTING SOMEONE'S TOOTHBRUSH IN YOUR MOUTH AND THINK IT'S SEXY --- that is 50 Shades of EWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Oh and if I was Kate and I hear one more OH SHIT, HOLY HELL from Anastasia, I would really grab her tongue and shove it in the file shredder, together with this book! I don't know if the author meant to paint her female protagonist as stupid, but for someone who is supposed to read a lot of British novels and listen to indie music, one could at least expect her to have a wide range of impressive vocabulary and cuss words.

Now, onto the next book... 50 Shades Crappier. I know, it's masochistic to continue something that gives me pain (both in the head and in the heart -- this book is like myocardial infarction... it does that to you)..... But hey, I guess I'm like Anastasia - 50 Shades of Stupid.

My Rating:  0.5/5

Here's my some-sort-of-review of Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Trilogy! Thanks for reading!

*Photos/GIFs courtesy of Tumblr.

Check out MY ULTIMATE BOOK BUCKET LIST or the books I wanna read before I die!

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  1. Your reviews are always well written, your review was 100x more enjoyable that that work of disgust 50 shades of death . I really hate that book and all cousins of it.. But I do enjoy your reviews and the thought of you even finding any words worth writing on this one, I have to give you a hands up for having the talent to even remotely find any words to describe this awful work of poop...

    1. hahahaha thank you Tabby! I wrote this I think 1 or 2 years ago immediately after reading the book. As you can see, I was venting. lol

  2. I commend you for actually getting through the whole book, let alone the whole series. I read about two pages in Barnes and Noble and had to put it down. Your review is so hilarious :)

    Btw, I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award, but no pressure to do it. Here's the link:

    1. omg that's so cool! thank you! i'll try to do the liebster thing this weekend =D

      oh yeah , i actually should get an award just for finishing this series -_- There were times I wanted to cry out of sheer frustration.

  3. I totally agree with that 50 shades of Ewww! I read it before it got published. Initially it was a Twilight fanfiction called 'Master of the Universe' and the writing was's actually scary to know that even though it went through an editor and got published it's still as bad as before. I don't think it's just the writting though, the whole concept is bad. There is no real story in that book, it's mostly sex and BDSM from a Twilight-Mom who fapped watching Robert Pattinson in Twilight. Ewww...again. I could go on all night on how wrong, useless and insulting that book is. Not to mention that it doesn't help literature at all. But I think you saw for yourself.

    1. The writing is bad. The characters are worse. James' idea of S&M is the worst. She has no idea what she's writing about. It's like, after a whole evening of getting drunk, she's like "hmmm, I'm gonna write about BDSM. I have no idea what BDSM is REALLY all about, but i'll just put in alot of spanking and smacking and one helluva crazy contract and i think it'll work"

      and dammit it worked. That's the worst part. People eating this up as if it's the best BDSM novel ever. It's abuse, physical and psychological. plain and simple.

      it's crazy.

  4. I remember when those books were displayed at front entrance, in the table of bestselling books, of National Bookstore (the time it became popular). And i saw some teens reading / skimming the book. In my mind, National Bookstore, you're selling it wrong. Adult books shouldn't be publicized.

    1. You're totally right! even until now, I see these kinds of books on the best-seller or must-read section of NBS. Even if the kids weren't aware before, they sure would be after that.



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