Noah & Son of God (2014): Just waiting for Batman to save the day.

Noah (2014)

Thought-provoking yet bland, this modern retelling of a popular biblical story seemed to be doomed from the beginning, but considering the name behind this seeming big blunder of a movie actually makes you think twice. Is it really a grand yet failed attempt or is it an epic fail done on purpose? Stone giants, a family drama worthy of a cheesy tv series, a womb-healing Methuselah crazy for berries, and - wait for it- "Be fruitful AND MULTIPLY!" -- for a moment I'm at a loss for words.

Directed by:  Darren Aronofsky
Written by:  Darren Aronofsky, Ari Handel
Cinematography by: Matthew Libatique (Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan)
Edited by:  Andrew Weisblum (Fantastic Mr. Fox, Black Swan)
Music by:  Clint Mansell (Black Swan, Stoker)
Distributed by:  Paramount Pictures
Running Time: 138 mins
Budget: $125 million
Box Office: over $350 million

This movie a freakin' soap opera. It's a pity to see Anthony Hopkins & Russell Crowe in this film, though admittedly, this movie would be kaput without Crowe. It also hurts me to see Emma Watson in here (it's the end of the world and you risk missing the trip to Titanic, err Ark, just so you could get it on with your sexy sexy love the minute Mr. Berry Man Methuselah lightly touches your abdomen?). Uh huh.

[MOVIEHOUSE MADNESS] Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

"MOVIEHOUSE MADNESS" is when I review films currently shown in theaters. Also, I rarely watch new releases in the cinemas, but when I do, there are always face-palming incidences that make me regret going. So humor me and let me tell you what I think before you waste your ticket money, while refreshing your memory of the ABCs of movie house etiquette!


Sometimes, I think Michael Bay is really just a teenage boy on crack who is obsessed with his robots & cars & explosions - like a kid playing with his toys & bumping them against each other and not caring about anything else. Because that's evident yet again in his recent blockbuster movie, a term that I will grudgingly use in this post. It's not a movie, it's more like an extended video of metal clashing against metal & mind-numbing explosions, and product placements here & there - this is not a film, it's an over-sized boy's overindulgent wet dream.

Directed by:  Michael Bay
Written by:  Ehren Kruger (The Ring, Transformers 2 & 3, Scream 3 & 4)
Music by:  Steve Jablonsky (Gangster Squad, Ender's Game, Lone Survivor)
Cinematography:  Amir Mokri
Running Time:  165 mins
Budget:  $210 million
Box Office: $381 million and counting

Unfortunately, the way Michael Bay's indifference to critics' plea for a better plot & characterization, arrogantly justifying his lack of effort to make a substantial film that's more than loud explosions and crazy-ass robot action, this franchise is seriously losing its appeal to me. Not that I matter when it comes to its box office returns. That's the problem. WE don't matter. Whether we like the Bayformers or not, MB, with the gratuitous urging from Hollywood big guys, will continue to do whatever he does best because they know the money will keep on flowing. A few harsh words & negative reviews won't hurt this franchise, because as Bay have said, people are gonna see it anyway. Haters gonna hate, he'd still be riding Bee all the way to the bank. Besides, this franchise will continue to thrive, not because of Michael Bay, but because this is Transformers. Giant talking alien robots-slash-cars, man! That'll never get old! (I'm still waiting for Voltes V though, c'mon Hollywood!)

BOOK REVIEW: Dracula The Un-Dead (The Authoritatively Disappointing Sequel to the Original Classic)

In a nutshell, we get to see how the band of heroes are living 25 years after their encounter with Count Dracula.

Written by:  Dacre Stoker & Ian Holt
Genre:  Horror novel
# of pages:  424
Country:  United States
Year Published:  2009

Sounds interesting, right?

Oh and it's written by Bram Stoker's great grand-nephew, Dacre Stoker! Are you really stoked now? I sure was!

They claim it's the true sequel to our beloved classic. An authoritative sequel in fact. I believed them. How gullible was I? 

Borrowing a quote from the book, Dracula The Un-Dead at its best is made up of only a few, special, scattered moments. I don't know which or how much Dacre or Ian wrote, so I can't pinpoint who is really to blame, but let me just mention (if you haven't googled them yet) that Dacre is a track & field coach, while Ian Holt has previously been a direct-to-DVD horror screenwriter who has been a fanatic of anything Dracula-related for a long time. You can bet a dollar or two who did most of the writing, and which one whose name served as a huge banner ad.

BOOK REVIEW: The Shining

“Any big hotels have got scandals," he said. "Just like every big hotel has got a ghost. Why? Hell, people come and go. Sometimes one of em will pop off in his room, heart attack or stroke or something like that. Hotels are superstitious places. No thirteenth floor or room thirteen, no mirrors on the back of the door you come in through, stuff like that."

Written by:  Stephen King
Year:  1977
Genre:  Horror, gothic novel
Followed by:  Doctor Sleep
Pages:  447

I have read The Shining before, but my memory of it was hazy I needed to read it again when it was voted Book of the Month by my bookclub/group. Now I'm sure that the movie is indeed better. Stanley Kubrick's version still scares the hell out of me! He delivered the creep/chill factor that I should have felt from reading the book. Sure, King has the right to complain if he didn't like Kubrick's version, it's his novel after all. But Kubrick's movie will forever be remembered as a cinematic masterpiece... while the more faithful tv adaptation (which I haven't watched, but I'm planning to) will be further pushed into obscurity. King should at least be thankful for that. Just sayin'.

Stephen King may not be the greatest writer in the universe, but he is a great story teller. I have loved several of his short stories & novels, and I have constantly defended him whenever people say he's a talentless hack. So imagine my dismay with The Shining. 

SHORT FILM: Order of the Ram (2013)

I was offered by Scott Lyus to do a review of his latest indie short film and I'm more than happy to oblige.

ORDER OF THE RAM (2013)

Order of the Ram is a 16-minute horror short film that tells the story of Mary, a girl that finds herself tied up in a dense wood, and face to face with a satanic cult intent on calling upon their Master by whatever means possible.

QUICKIES: Some 2013 movies

A group of retired crazy ass killers. Giant monsters and robots. And two movies with basically the same plot, same illogical twists & turns, and a "Jack Bauer/John McClane"-cloned protagonist to save the day.

Either I'm too lazy at the moment, or the movie does not deserve a full review. Here are my straight-to-the-point reviews, QUICKIES if you will, of RED 2, PACIFIC RIM, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN, and WHITE HOUSE DOWN.

*     *     *

Man of Steel (2013)

Faster than a speeding bullet, here comes the brooding alien with steel abs! The co-destroyer of everything in sight.

Zack Snyder has got style, that's for sure. But my problem with him is that his movies are all gloss and pretty pictures, but lacking in substance. Maybe it's his trademark, but this is the reason why it's hard for me to warm up to him. Too bad, because I was expecting something that will raise the standards & revitalize the inexplicably humdrum trend of the Superman franchise and I thought the time has come. Not this year. Man of Steel is simply another superhero/blockbuster movie that's high on repetitive explosive action and booming sound effects, but sadly low on any lasting impact. 

Directed by:  Zack Snyder (300, Sucker Punch)
Screenplay by:  David S. Goyer (Blade trilogy, Nolan's Batman trilogy)
Music by:  Hans Zimmer (The Lion King, The Dark Knight)
Cinematography by:  Amir Mokri (Taking Lives, Transformers: Dark of the Moon)
Starring:  Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon
Running Time:  143 mins
Budget:  $225 million
Box Office:  More than $660 million

A Mortician and A Lame Giant Slayer

I rarely do this now but for some reason I was able to watch 2 movies in 1 day (I used to watch more than 5 movies a day. *nostalgic sigh*).  Anyway, the first movie I watched is about a man who dresses/prepares a corpse, and the other is about an acrophobic boy who has slayed one giant, "killed" another one with the help of bees, definitely not a giant slayer.

BOOK REVIEW: Digital Fortress

Author:  Dan Brown

Genre:  Techno-thriller

Country:  U.S.

Year:  1998

Pages:  430 (Paperback)

"She was still struggling to comprehend its existence. She's spent her life breaking codes, firmly denying the existence of the ultimate code. Every code is breakable - the Bergofsky Principle! She felt like an atheist coming face to face with God." - Digital Fortress


After reading five books by Dan Brown, it seems that there's no hope left. I've read and liked The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons back when I still thoroughly enjoyed badly-written books with equally badly-structured plots and 2D characters AND sugar-coated with a whirlwind of mystery & thrill rides, but seriously Mr. Brown, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Book after book, it's the same pattern, same twists, same underdeveloped characters that after a few pages I already know what's going to happen. It's the same thing over and over.

The dialogues range from bad to cringe-worthy. The twists are so very predictable. The main characters, who are supposedly "academes" & "geniuses", seem to be so dense & do stupid things most of the time. And that climax where a group of "NSA-elite" tries to figure out the clues left for them & they stand there totally baffled and useless, like lumps of warm crap.. I almost wanted to shout the answer, but I know they won't hear me, not because it's a book but because they're a bunch of dimwits created by the master dimwit himself - Dan Brown.

On a slightly positive note,

BOOK REVIEW: The Lost Symbol

Author:  Dan Brown

Pages:  671 (Paperback)

Country:  United States

Year:  2009

Genre: Mystery, Thriller

This is Brown's third novel that features Harvard University symbologist Robert Langdon.

I don't wanna hate, but Dan Brown's formula really is becoming annoying. It may have worked in The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons (I really liked both), but this one is bordering on painful, laughable, & unbelievably predictable.

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Taglines:  

"Like father. Like son. Like hell!"                    "Yippee Ki-Yay Mother Russia"

Directed by:  John Moore

Starring:  Bruce Willis (John McClane), Jai Courtney (Jack McClane)

Plot Summary:

John McClane goes to Russia to see his son. His son hates him. There's an American-hating Russian terrorist group. WMDs. Lots of action. Lots of awful one-liners. Just leave your brains and follow where the explosion and gunfire is, you won't get lost in the plot.

*    *    *    *

Really, it's A GOOD DAY TO WRECK CARS. That's the only thing I enjoyed in this movie. 

I know that in a typical Hollywood action movie, an intricate plot seems to be the director's last priority. Just put in a lot of action scenes, a lot of gunplay, a lot of explosions, and who cares about the plot right? I for one can easily forgive a plotless action flick as long as it delivers on other aspects. But really, Yippe Ki-Yay Mother Russia?? Really?? A sign of a lazy plot is when it involves the CIA and stereotyped Russia. That's just so archaic. They weave this Chernobyl mastermind plot, yes it may sound exciting, but then they just leave it as it is. With no real villain, no real terrorist threat, no real conflict, and no surprise twists. 

BOOK REVIEW: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty (1983)

Author:  A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Year Published:  1983
Genre:  erotica

QUICK RECAP: Beauty has been sleeping for 100 years & gets raped by her “prince charming” and voila, she wakes up! She’s brought to his kingdom (naked and constantly humiliated all throughout the journey) and was introduced to this world of sex slavery and BDSM.

All throughout, Beauty gets to be degraded, used & abused in every way by the Queen and down to lowliest of servants in the kitchen/servant’s hall. Beauty offers her never-ending loyalty to her Prince, falls in love with Prince Alexi, gets mesmerized by her Lady Julianna, and becomes awestruck with the Queen. Yeah… We might have an idea that Beauty is not exactly a stick-to-one kind of gal.

THE VERDICT:

Weird. Degrading. Weird. Just weird. Oh and yeah, you might think it’s really weird. I guess you wouldn’t understand/appreciate this book if you’re not really into BDSM because this is total icky slave humiliation and “training” stuff (which some would probably love).

This book would be okay IF the slaves signed up for that “sex-slavery training” willingly… but in the story, they were gathered from their kingdoms and brought into all this stuff, not of their own free will. So if you consider everything that happened to the princes and princesses, it’s rape, inhumane treatment, “animal” cruelty since they were treated as animals, and other taboo stuff. And yet, while it is weird and icky, you can’t deny Anne Rice’s ability to make anything sensual. Also she delves into human psychology and desire. You find yourself wanting to try to understand why slavery/dominance is appealing to others. How they think and feel at the moment. And though there are A LOT of scenes that weirded me out, it’s the struggle of Beauty to understand why her abject predicament suddenly feels right to her, that caught my interest. That even when her mind says no, her body betrays her…

Once you get past the initial shock and barf-inducing laughable scenes, or if you found yourself skipping through paragraphs, then you’ll realize it’s not that bad. But it’s just not that good as well. Basically it’s weird and gross. lol


I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. Despite of the WTF moments in the book, Anne is known for her talent in sensuality and erotica but this is not for me. I’m not squeamish or anything, I just didn’t like it. But I didn’t stop bec. there’s a mystery behind the story and I kept thinking Anne would redeem herself in the next installment.


MY RATING: 2/5 - recommended to those who appreciate erotica, but to the squeamish, conservative types, please be warned.

Check out MY ULTIMATE BOOK BUCKET LIST or the books I wanna read before I die!

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MOVIE REVIEW: Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

Director: 

Bill Condon (also known for directing Dreamgirls, and Breaking Dawn Pt. 1)

Writers: 

Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Taglines:

"The epic finale that will live forever"

-------------

can this poster be MORE amateurish and awkward? it’s like the twilight team didn’t even put an effort to pretend that this is not a joke of a movie. I guess, after 4 top-grossing films, they thought “eh, what the hell, people are gonna watch this stupid film anyway.” ….  this poster is really ugh.. idk……  what it actually conveys to me is that these actors are running away from the movie frantically trying to escape this nightmare of a saga. 

this movie is just as bad as the book.

i was bored, unimpressed, and it only made me relive how annoyed i was at the book’s anticlimactic ending.

why did i watch it?  because i like watching crappy but oh-so-popular movies bec it’s so damn entertaining to see how hollywood could create such crap and make it one of the highest-grossing films of the year or decade whatever.

WHAT I WAS EXPECTING:

1. Kristen Stewart’s one-expression “acting”
2. Robert Pattinson I-have-a-low-soft-voice-i-am-so-goshdarn-sexy-and-cool
3. Taylor Lautner’s 106-pack abs shots
4. sparkly coven of mutant vampires convening in the highly convenient vast expanse of area hidden in the forest of Forks where they always fight the bad guys
5. good indie soundtrack 
6. a good 2-hour entertainment with the usual twilight-standards. (because I did enjoy Breaking Dawn 1)

WHAT I GOT:

1. yes, there’s Bella’s flat acting.. every single scene… i couldnt even force myself to relate or emphatize to her situations even if someone’s about to force feed me horse manure… (they’re about to die and be separated from their child for crying out loud! and yet i dont feel a tinge of sadness or impending doom -_-) … yes, she’s THAT unrelatable. and annoying.
2. check! could u BE more low-key, Edward? i know you’re supposed to be this ultra-refined, cool, sexy, low-toned voice sparkly vampire. but man oh man! i just wanna smack u in the face O_O
3. whew! finally, this movie is not about Jacob’s abs!! 
4. the book is like a mash-up of X-Men and silly clownish vampires.. but the movie didnt overindulge in that area.  and yes i was wondering where the SPARKLE went…..
5. i havent downloaded the OST yet, but im sure i’ve heard 2-3 songs that i like. though i found this particular movie lacking when it comes to it’s musical scoring. just typical Carter Burwell score throughout the entire movie. i really like Burwell, but i just miss the previous films artists….. where is Muse, Florence + The Machine, Sia, The Black Keys, Death Cab, Thom Yorke, Bon Iver……. in BD2, it’s just oversaturated with Burwell’s score.
6. instead, i got a two-hour not-so-well edited, lackluster, cheesy snooze-fest.

WHAT I WAS THINKING WHILE WATCHING BD2:

• how comical are these vampires? and not in a good way.

• this is the worse finale ever.

• The Volturi seemed so much more clownish than ever before. Aro, wow, Aro….. that squeal u did……. shaking head. and Marcus and Caius or whoever they are - are the most useless sidekicks ever. and they’re supposed to be the most powerful and feared coven in the entire sparkly-vampire-world!

• wow that baby is creeeeeepy!!!! it’s supposed to be the most beautiful, most enchanting baby ever, but they managed to make it creepier than Chucky. and when she grew, i think their idea of a beautiful vampire kid is in the image of a BRATZ DOLL. O_O

Both an animatronic baby and 3-week-old babies were used in the film. Kristen Stewart preferred working with the real babies because she felt they helped her give a better performance. (IMDb)  

                  — BETTER PERFORMANCE??? WHERE?? i guess they decided to just use                                    animatronic babies instead…..

• everytime Bella and Edward kiss or try to make another batch of half-vampire half-zombie babies, all i can think of is “does Robert know that Kristen is cheating on him? ……Oh and of course, I can’t help but see 50 Shades of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.. tsk tsk… My mind is ruined for eternity.

• i really can’t get over the fact that this movie sucks. it’s so dry and boring and wow the acting! wow! INTENSE!!!! esp Aro and Bella! powerhouse! it’s like one giant serving of stale HAM and cheese! too many close up shots of Aro “seeing the thoughts” of whoever he touches. While us audiences get to see nothing but his oh so dramatic facial expressions! HOW EXCITING! and the best ham actor award goes to —- !!!!   -_-   and Bella, oh sweet Bella…… you have managed to make the film’s attempt at humor fall flat. the way you make you’re voice sound like batman when you’re angry is comedy at its best. the way you try to act, but only end up looking constipated is such a tragedy. and when u had that sparkly fairy/light orgasm after a night of nakedness with Edward made my Coke Zero dribble out thru my nose! i was oooh i can’t explain it!….. Oh such a plethora of EMOTIONS!! ….. no.. not really. LOL

• and as the movie nears its end, i am so thankful that finally i wont see another scene with Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, or Esmee….. such useless characters. The only character i thought has real personality is Leah Clearwater! and where is she? oh there, falling down into the fiery pits of hell which Benjamin caused in an attempt to rid the world of bad vampires, he also possibly destroyed the other half of the world by destroying the earth’s crust and through its core. I also liked Garrett and one of the Denali sisters (electricity girl) - they actually have more spark then Edward-Bella-Jacob ever had..

• and wow that fan video at the end, when they’re in the meadows…. speechless!!! makes me wonder if this movie is a real movie and not just an amateur film… oh but then i have seen amateur films that are waaaay better.

• THE EPIC FINALE THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER…. yes… in Film Purgatory - where crappy films are thrown and chained there until they realize where they went wrong.. YES, FOREVER AND EVER.

In conclusion, i have enjoyed the previous films (because i think they were better than those badly-edited books), so it’s just super disappointing to watch this awful awful finale.

despite of the plotholes, the cheesy, barf-inducing “romance”, the awful acting, and the sparkly vampires, i did enjoy this saga. But Breaking Dawn Part 2, wow, it sucked big time. just like it’s anticlimactic ending — after all the build up and hype, in the end, nothing happens. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE.

THE ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA IS ITS SOUNDTRACKS… i love the OSTs. .from twilight to breaking dawn…. 

So at least, it’s been an amusing journey :)

FINALLY, THE SAGA DOES NOT CONTINUE. THANK YOU.


MY RATINGS: 2/5 - lame finale.

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