BOOK REVIEW: Dracula The Un-Dead (The Authoritatively Disappointing Sequel to the Original Classic)

In a nutshell, we get to see how the band of heroes are living 25 years after their encounter with Count Dracula.

Written by:  Dacre Stoker & Ian Holt
Genre:  Horror novel
# of pages:  424
Country:  United States
Year Published:  2009

Sounds interesting, right?

Oh and it's written by Bram Stoker's great grand-nephew, Dacre Stoker! Are you really stoked now? I sure was!

They claim it's the true sequel to our beloved classic. An authoritative sequel in fact. I believed them. How gullible was I? 

Borrowing a quote from the book, Dracula The Un-Dead at its best is made up of only a few, special, scattered moments. I don't know which or how much Dacre or Ian wrote, so I can't pinpoint who is really to blame, but let me just mention (if you haven't googled them yet) that Dacre is a track & field coach, while Ian Holt has previously been a direct-to-DVD horror screenwriter who has been a fanatic of anything Dracula-related for a long time. You can bet a dollar or two who did most of the writing, and which one whose name served as a huge banner ad.

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

Loki is a brooding vampire musician. If that doesn't grab your interest, I don't know what will. 

Finally, after a long time, here's a vampire movie as how it should really be. Or how I really wanted it to be. Alluring, without the sparkles & excess of emo eyeliner. Just a bunch of vampires who practically have seen it all - some jaded, some YOLO-ing, some just absorbing what simple pleasures life has to offer. 

Written & Directed by:  Jim Jarmusch
Starring:  Tom Hiddleston, Tilda Swinton, Mia Wasikowska, John Hurt
Cinematography by:  Yorick Le Saux
Editing by:  Alfonso Goncalves
Music by:  Jozef van Wissem, Squrl
Running Time:  122 mins
Budget:  $7 million

The Hunger (1983)

This is Tony Scott's directorial debut, and after watching it, I wouldn't have guessed this was his, considering his filmography basically consists of more commercial movies. The Hunger is like a black sheep from Scott's white-fleeced flock. 

It's true that it has an MTV video feel to it especially with that discotheque opening with Bela Lugosi's Dead (Bauhaus) playing almost dissonantly complete with the bizzareness of the goth nightlife that serves as the Blaylock's hunting ground for the night. The dream-like, filtered ambience of the film is also reminiscent of most 80's videos.

But unlike music videos, despite of its minimal dialogue, slow pace, and more artsy execution, this film deals with something deeper other than the hunger for blood which is another reason why the audience is drawn in.

MOVIE REVIEW: Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

Director: 

Bill Condon (also known for directing Dreamgirls, and Breaking Dawn Pt. 1)

Writers: 

Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Taglines:

"The epic finale that will live forever"

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can this poster be MORE amateurish and awkward? it’s like the twilight team didn’t even put an effort to pretend that this is not a joke of a movie. I guess, after 4 top-grossing films, they thought “eh, what the hell, people are gonna watch this stupid film anyway.” ….  this poster is really ugh.. idk……  what it actually conveys to me is that these actors are running away from the movie frantically trying to escape this nightmare of a saga. 

this movie is just as bad as the book.

i was bored, unimpressed, and it only made me relive how annoyed i was at the book’s anticlimactic ending.

why did i watch it?  because i like watching crappy but oh-so-popular movies bec it’s so damn entertaining to see how hollywood could create such crap and make it one of the highest-grossing films of the year or decade whatever.

WHAT I WAS EXPECTING:

1. Kristen Stewart’s one-expression “acting”
2. Robert Pattinson I-have-a-low-soft-voice-i-am-so-goshdarn-sexy-and-cool
3. Taylor Lautner’s 106-pack abs shots
4. sparkly coven of mutant vampires convening in the highly convenient vast expanse of area hidden in the forest of Forks where they always fight the bad guys
5. good indie soundtrack 
6. a good 2-hour entertainment with the usual twilight-standards. (because I did enjoy Breaking Dawn 1)

WHAT I GOT:

1. yes, there’s Bella’s flat acting.. every single scene… i couldnt even force myself to relate or emphatize to her situations even if someone’s about to force feed me horse manure… (they’re about to die and be separated from their child for crying out loud! and yet i dont feel a tinge of sadness or impending doom -_-) … yes, she’s THAT unrelatable. and annoying.
2. check! could u BE more low-key, Edward? i know you’re supposed to be this ultra-refined, cool, sexy, low-toned voice sparkly vampire. but man oh man! i just wanna smack u in the face O_O
3. whew! finally, this movie is not about Jacob’s abs!! 
4. the book is like a mash-up of X-Men and silly clownish vampires.. but the movie didnt overindulge in that area.  and yes i was wondering where the SPARKLE went…..
5. i havent downloaded the OST yet, but im sure i’ve heard 2-3 songs that i like. though i found this particular movie lacking when it comes to it’s musical scoring. just typical Carter Burwell score throughout the entire movie. i really like Burwell, but i just miss the previous films artists….. where is Muse, Florence + The Machine, Sia, The Black Keys, Death Cab, Thom Yorke, Bon Iver……. in BD2, it’s just oversaturated with Burwell’s score.
6. instead, i got a two-hour not-so-well edited, lackluster, cheesy snooze-fest.

WHAT I WAS THINKING WHILE WATCHING BD2:

• how comical are these vampires? and not in a good way.

• this is the worse finale ever.

• The Volturi seemed so much more clownish than ever before. Aro, wow, Aro….. that squeal u did……. shaking head. and Marcus and Caius or whoever they are - are the most useless sidekicks ever. and they’re supposed to be the most powerful and feared coven in the entire sparkly-vampire-world!

• wow that baby is creeeeeepy!!!! it’s supposed to be the most beautiful, most enchanting baby ever, but they managed to make it creepier than Chucky. and when she grew, i think their idea of a beautiful vampire kid is in the image of a BRATZ DOLL. O_O

Both an animatronic baby and 3-week-old babies were used in the film. Kristen Stewart preferred working with the real babies because she felt they helped her give a better performance. (IMDb)  

                  — BETTER PERFORMANCE??? WHERE?? i guess they decided to just use                                    animatronic babies instead…..

• everytime Bella and Edward kiss or try to make another batch of half-vampire half-zombie babies, all i can think of is “does Robert know that Kristen is cheating on him? ……Oh and of course, I can’t help but see 50 Shades of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.. tsk tsk… My mind is ruined for eternity.

• i really can’t get over the fact that this movie sucks. it’s so dry and boring and wow the acting! wow! INTENSE!!!! esp Aro and Bella! powerhouse! it’s like one giant serving of stale HAM and cheese! too many close up shots of Aro “seeing the thoughts” of whoever he touches. While us audiences get to see nothing but his oh so dramatic facial expressions! HOW EXCITING! and the best ham actor award goes to —- !!!!   -_-   and Bella, oh sweet Bella…… you have managed to make the film’s attempt at humor fall flat. the way you make you’re voice sound like batman when you’re angry is comedy at its best. the way you try to act, but only end up looking constipated is such a tragedy. and when u had that sparkly fairy/light orgasm after a night of nakedness with Edward made my Coke Zero dribble out thru my nose! i was oooh i can’t explain it!….. Oh such a plethora of EMOTIONS!! ….. no.. not really. LOL

• and as the movie nears its end, i am so thankful that finally i wont see another scene with Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, or Esmee….. such useless characters. The only character i thought has real personality is Leah Clearwater! and where is she? oh there, falling down into the fiery pits of hell which Benjamin caused in an attempt to rid the world of bad vampires, he also possibly destroyed the other half of the world by destroying the earth’s crust and through its core. I also liked Garrett and one of the Denali sisters (electricity girl) - they actually have more spark then Edward-Bella-Jacob ever had..

• and wow that fan video at the end, when they’re in the meadows…. speechless!!! makes me wonder if this movie is a real movie and not just an amateur film… oh but then i have seen amateur films that are waaaay better.

• THE EPIC FINALE THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER…. yes… in Film Purgatory - where crappy films are thrown and chained there until they realize where they went wrong.. YES, FOREVER AND EVER.

In conclusion, i have enjoyed the previous films (because i think they were better than those badly-edited books), so it’s just super disappointing to watch this awful awful finale.

despite of the plotholes, the cheesy, barf-inducing “romance”, the awful acting, and the sparkly vampires, i did enjoy this saga. But Breaking Dawn Part 2, wow, it sucked big time. just like it’s anticlimactic ending — after all the build up and hype, in the end, nothing happens. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE.

THE ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA IS ITS SOUNDTRACKS… i love the OSTs. .from twilight to breaking dawn…. 

So at least, it’s been an amusing journey :)

FINALLY, THE SAGA DOES NOT CONTINUE. THANK YOU.


MY RATINGS: 2/5 - lame finale.

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