Noah & Son of God (2014): Just waiting for Batman to save the day.

Noah (2014)

Thought-provoking yet bland, this modern retelling of a popular biblical story seemed to be doomed from the beginning, but considering the name behind this seeming big blunder of a movie actually makes you think twice. Is it really a grand yet failed attempt or is it an epic fail done on purpose? Stone giants, a family drama worthy of a cheesy tv series, a womb-healing Methuselah crazy for berries, and - wait for it- "Be fruitful AND MULTIPLY!" -- for a moment I'm at a loss for words.

Directed by:  Darren Aronofsky
Written by:  Darren Aronofsky, Ari Handel
Cinematography by: Matthew Libatique (Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan)
Edited by:  Andrew Weisblum (Fantastic Mr. Fox, Black Swan)
Music by:  Clint Mansell (Black Swan, Stoker)
Distributed by:  Paramount Pictures
Running Time: 138 mins
Budget: $125 million
Box Office: over $350 million

This movie a freakin' soap opera. It's a pity to see Anthony Hopkins & Russell Crowe in this film, though admittedly, this movie would be kaput without Crowe. It also hurts me to see Emma Watson in here (it's the end of the world and you risk missing the trip to Titanic, err Ark, just so you could get it on with your sexy sexy love the minute Mr. Berry Man Methuselah lightly touches your abdomen?). Uh huh.

SOME RECENT MOVIES: The Raid 2, 300: Rise of an Empire, Oculus

Here are my reviews of The Raid 2, 300: Rise of an Empire, and Oculus

THE RAID 2 (BERANDAL)

Written, Edited, & Directed by:  Gareth Evans
Running Time: 150 mins
Budget: $4.5 million
Box Office: $5.2 million
*subtitled*

Large-scale, more ambitious, yet as tight & tense as the first one - Berandal is a must-see even for those who aren't into Asian movies. If The Raid hasn't changed your mind, this one will.

This is best seen uncut and subbed. Never watch a foreign movie with English dub.

I really loved The Raid despite the lack of plot & dialogue. I couldn't imagine how Gareth Evans could up the ante and make an equally engaging action movie. Now, obviously trying for complexity & character development, Evans serves us, not only a platter, but a buffet of interesting characters, unending action & gore, and a storyline that's bigger than a dilapidated building with cramped hallways. It may take several minutes into the film to be able to memorize all those names (especially if you're also trying to recall the names in the first film) but hey you know what? It doesn't matter. The minute the action starts, every little detail in your mind melts as you witness an insane amount of bone-crunching, blood-spurting, throat-gashing, jaw-breaking, ball-breaking, hammer-gouging scenes for more than two hours. While that amount of time may usually be a weakness to typical action flicks as they may need some time to cool down, Berandal just keeps on going and going and going with the same intensity as when it started - that is if not more.

QUICKIES: A Home Security Salesman, A Rape Victim's Revenge, A Drug Dealer, and An Innovative Jerk

Either I'm too lazy at the moment... or the movie does not deserve a full review. Here are my straight-to-the-point reviews, QUICKIES if you will, of The Purge, I Spit On Your Grave (2010), We're The Millers, and Jobs.

THE PURGE (2013) 

Written & Directed by:  James DeMonaco
Cinematography:  Jacques Jouffret
Starring:  Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Rhys Wakefield
Running Time:  85 mins
Budget: $ 3 million
Box Office: almost $ 90 million (which is why they're making a 2014 sequel)

The idea is fascinating, the potential is huge, but this film is ultimately nothing but a missed opportunity. Murderous yuppies in freaky masks, wielding machetes & all that government-approved crap, wreak havoc in search of a homeless black guy who they deem to be purge-material. The ideas explored are thought-provoking and interesting, but instead, it just became another generic home invasion thriller that may have a few good moments, but that's about it. Overall, it's just another cliched thriller filled with gaping plotholes and eye-rolling scenes or plot devices. Eugenics The Movie. Uh huh. 

And those masks! Ugh. It may have worked in The Strangers, but in here, it just makes me want to suckerpunch the smirk off of their arrogant faces. And what's up with that ugly RC baby doll camera? Surely there's something less conspicuous (and prettier) than that?

I'm curious though, who are the New Founding Fathers of America? ;)

My Rating: 1.5/5 - A movie deserving to be watched for its intelligent ideas, but also deserving of the low ratings because of its failure to express & explore.

*     *     *

Evil Dead (2013): Why this remake is so DEAD but not EVIL

In the much anticipated remake of the 1981 cult-hit horror film, five twenty-something friends become holed up in a remote cabin. When they discover a Book of the Dead, they unwittingly summon up dormant demons living in the nearby woods, which possess the youngsters in succession until only one is left intact to fight for survival.

Directed by:  Fede Alvarez (his first feature film)

Screenplay by:  Fede Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Diablo Cody (for polishing)

Starring:  Jane Levy (Mia), Shiloh Fernandez (David), Lou Taylor Pucci (Eric), Jessica Lucas (Olivia), Elizabeth Blackmore (Natalie)

Running Time:  92 mins

"The most terrifying film you will ever experience."

That's actually the most deceitful movie tagline of all time -- and I'm not amused. Using a gazillion gallons of fake blood is not terrifying. A deadite basically knocked-off from The Exorcist isn't terrifying. A series of quick "scary inserts" and loud sound effects supposedly meant to make the viewers jump off their seats isn't terrifying. Lots of severed limbs and vomiting isn't terrifying. NO. NO. NO! Not one bit in this movie is terrifying! 

Okay, I'm not at all a biased reviewer. So let me start with the good points. First of all, the cinematography/photography & lighting is really good. It definitely has that eerie atmosphere fit for a horror movie, and there are great shots that add to the visual quality of the film. But then again, there's a shot somewhere which greatly reminded me of The Walking Dead, is that a good or bad thing? I don't really know, but it makes it less special.  Secondly, it's really nice to see a movie which utilizes practical effects rather than an overload of CGI (that to me is the bane of today's film industry), which is also a nostalgic nod to the Raimi original. Third, is the smart decision not to do a FULL REMAKE of the original. Alvarez did a slightly different take on the story and mood, and that to me is his advantage - because seriously, who could ever replace Bruce Campbell or remake the original Evil Dead? 

So now, please let me compare just a little bit & tell you what makes the original ED (1 & 2) 10x better than this hugely disappointing 2013 remake. 

Movie 43 (2013)

Director: Different directors/writers for each storylines

Starring: All-star ensemble cast (just look at the poster)

Taglines: 

"The biggest cast ever assembled for the most outrageous comedy ever made."

"Comedy. Exposed."

Plot Summary: There is no plot.

- - - - - - - - - 

I watched this expecting something that is in the category of "worst movies ever made" basing from reviews and ratings I have read, and even though it has a current rating of 4% (critics) & 30% (audience) in Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit ashamed that I don't think it's that bad (of course, I agree it's one of 2013's worst movies. But there are far worse comedies ever made, in my opinion). Yes the humor in this film ranges from offensive to downright nasty, but once you let go of your righteous indignation, I think it's quite enjoyable. Now, before you brand me as a mindless dumb ass with no taste in movies for saying I've enjoyed this one, stop right there and let me explain :)

MOVIE REVIEW: Cosmopolis (2012)

Director: David Cronenberg

Writer: David Cronenberg (screenplay), Don DeLillo (novel)

Starring : Robert Pattinson (Eric Packer)

This is my first Cronenberg film so I had no inkling of the kind of movie i'm about to watch. The only expectation I had is a performance from Robert Pattinson that will finally shed his Edward Cullen image.

Instead, what I got is basically the same from his previous movie characters. Brooding, dark, affected, annoying. 

First scene elicited a "WTF, is this some  kind of a joke?!" from me, and while some movies completely turn that around and end up being my favorite movies, unfortunately this one kept going on a downward spiral.